Cooking and Cinema

Short Stories, Film Reviews, and Recipes

Category: film review (Page 1 of 2)

Why Friday the 13th Is Better Than Its Reputation

October 31, 2021 /

Halloween is a great time to stuff your face with candy and watch scary movies. For horror film producers, cheap costume designers, and candy manufacturers, it’s a time of year to make a lot of money. I like Halloween but don’t always enjoy what comes with it.

Many of the films promoted around Halloween are more goofy than scary, and when cable networks show you marathons of movies for 31 days, most days are filled with movies I’m not thrilled to watch.

Horror critics and superfans enjoy breaking scary movies down into subcategories, such as slasher films, monster films, horror science fiction, goat horror (it exists), rodent horror, real-crime serial killer horror, and so on.

I don’t have a favorite horror movie subcategory, but I like a film when it’s entertaining—even if it’s stupid, unrealistic, and cheap.

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One of my favorite brain-dead villains, Jason Vorhees, only makes a brief appearance in the first Friday the 13th film but is responsible for most of the murders, excluding Friday the 13th Part V, in the sequels.

Friday the 13th Part IV was supposed to be the Final Chapter, but since it made too much money, Paramount produced Part V and called it A New Beginning. It’s a laughably bad movie and the only film in the series that features a different mad killer with a hockey mask.

The puny antagonist isn’t Jason Vorhees; he’s a paramedic named Roy. Roy, the killer, doesn’t sound scary for some reason, and why did they choose a paramedic? If you want to watch the best Friday movies, check out the original, Part III, Part VI (Jason Lives), and Jason Goes to Hell, the ninth film.

In Part III, Jason gets his hockey mask from a misunderstood makeup effects nerd, and you can still watch it in 3D if you can find the DVD. The 3D effects are remarkable for a cheap horror movie, and I think they spent more time making the 3D look cool than they did on the story.

Hey boy, do you wanna come with me to summer camp? They hired me as the head cook, and they didn’t care that I’m not a snappy dresser and sometimes wear long-sleeved shirts designed by the criminally insane. Before we go, I better fill up my canteen with leaded gasoline. It works great in the kitchen. I know you’re a dog, but do you know if this gas station sells unfiltered cigarettes?

Friday the 13th (1980)

Although its writer and director admitted they stole the idea from Halloween (1978), Friday the 13th is a better rip-off than the original. The original Halloween is a slasher that changed the genre and was a low-budget hit. The creators are proud of their original slasher idea, but I’m sure they watched Black Christmas in 1974.

For Halloween, John Carpenter replaced the Christmas killer in Black Christmas with another escaped mental patient who murdered high school kids instead of sorority sisters.

He changed the holiday to Halloween because who wants to watch vicious, bloody murder on Christmas? No one in 1974 wanted to watch it, but moviegoers loved Halloween, and in 1980, they fell in love (and hate) with Friday the 13th.

When Sean Cunningham released Friday the 13th in 1980, the critics hated it. They treated it like the contaminated food tossed out of a cruise ship porthole, and newspaper writers across the country made sure to include “gory,” “too much sex,” and “garbage” in their headlines.

Some went to great lengths to convince their readers it was evil trash and bad for America’s youth. Several years ago, I read an article about Gene Siskel’s militant reaction to Friday.

He called Paramount to protest the movie, published Betsy Palmer’s home address in his review, and urged his readers to send her critical letters.

I can’t disagree with everything the critics said. Still, I’m surprised that a low-budget horror film would cause a pretentious, well-paid writer to obliterate a movie far tamer and less exploitative than grindhouse films from the 1970s.

Gory, low-budget movies were nothing new in 1980, but Friday the 13th was one of the first horror films to use realistic-looking fake blood. The makeup effects in the movie are high caliber and help elevate the weak plotting and acting.

Friday the 13th and many of its sequels represent the true, bloody spirit of Halloween even better than the Halloween films. Although Jason Vorhees doesn’t begin murdering college students until Part 2, he borrows his psychotic mother’s camera angle from the first movie.

The first-person killer view is used throughout the original Friday, and though it’s well done, it was done with more style in Dario Argento’s Susperia three years earlier.

Friday’s setting appeals to me more than other films like Halloween. The location was an authentic camp in New Jersey, and Sean Cunningham and his low-budget team were lucky to land a spot that didn’t look like a cheap Hollywood set. Halloween wasn’t shot on a stage, but the locations in California are dull and unremarkable.

The wooded landscape and sparkling lake in Friday are gorgeous in the daytime, but the atmosphere becomes frightening when the sun drops. When an intense thunderstorm rumbles into the camp, the violence ramps up, and you see more of Tom Savini’s gory effects.

The movie’s script was written while the film was being made, and you shouldn’t search for any hidden meaning in the dialogue or plot. Some of the film’s opponents believed the filmmakers were evil peddlers of sex and murder, and somehow, the movie could convince the country’s youth to embrace violence and wreck society. However, Friday the 13th isn’t that manipulative or nefarious.

Kevin’s Bacon gets tenderized. The false neck and shoulders are not as obvious when you watch the film on VHS.

It’s only the result of Sean Cunningham trying to make a higher-quality, more successful horror film than Halloween. Although it’s dipped in sleaze in some scenes, it’s not as lurid or controversial as some critics claimed. It doesn’t contain subliminal images or satanic sound effects.

Some parts of the soundtrack sound oddly similar to the music in Psycho, and like the film itself, it’s a world-class rip-off. Without the screeching violins and the weirdo that keeps whispering “Kill, Ma” when Mrs. Vorhees is stalking counselors, the movie wouldn’t be the same.

The cinematography and music are impressive for an amateur team. Cunningham created a scary film without good acting, a cohesive plot, support from the media, or a big budget. It’s ridiculous and amusing, and I’m still confused as to why some critics complained about the sex.

There’s only one brief sex scene, and it teaches teenagers a valuable lesson. If you make love or smoke pot at summer camp, you’ll be killed. The filmmakers weren’t destroying America’s youth; they were encouraging the kids of 1980 to live like Puritans and avoid vices and matters of the flesh.

The film provides valuable lessons, such as the importance of well-lit bathrooms, how hitchhiking can kill you, and why playing strip Monopoly doesn’t sound sexy.

Aliens and the Fifth Sequel

When I went with my father to see Aliens in 1986, there was a group of drunken college students in the front row. When the previews began, they kept hollering and carrying on, but suddenly, they got quiet.

A teaser trailer from Friday the 13th Part VI had them mystified. A lightning bolt struck Jason’s tombstone at the end of the trailer, and the subtitle Jason Lives roared onto the screen. The front-row fools erupted in applause and started cheering Jason! Jason! Jason!

I remember being surprised that the movies were still popular, especially after the disaster of Part V. There are 12 Friday the 13th films you can view, but someday, another filmmaker will resurrect Jason and kill him again.

Jolt Review

October 19, 2021 /

Online streaming services like Amazon Prime have been criticized for producing a massive amount of unwatchable material. They make award-winning films and clever, original series, but they also closely follow popular trends and try to guess what the public wants. Sometimes, they succeed, but recently, they’ve scored more than a few misses.

From the trailer, Tanya Wexler’s Jolt looks like a mindless popcorn movie you can enjoy without thinking too hard. In the past, you may have had days when you were stuck on the couch and too lazy to look for the remote.

A bad (sometimes awful) film draws you in with explosions, hilarious dialogue, and pretty faces. Watching the film makes you regret wasting the afternoon, but eventually, you enjoy the movie and laugh at all the unintentional humor.

Popcorn films are entertaining when they’re either well-made or hilarious. Action films don’t need a big budget. The 1977 classic from Elliot Silverstein, The Car, is a good example. It’s full of bad acting and plotting, but it made me laugh in all the wrong places, and I had a blast watching it.

Jolt is not one of those films, and the talented cast cannot save or handle the awful (worse than the rough drafts for Reefer Madness) mess. Kate Beckinsale usually excels in science fiction/action movies, and she has a talent for sarcasm.

She is great as a half-vampire killer in the Underworld movies and creepy as the antagonist in the remake of Total Recall. She can act, but only a complete rewrite of the script and soundtrack would’ve saved her electrified heroine.

In Jolt, she’s plagued with anger management issues so severe that she has to shock herself continuously to keep from murdering the world.

Bad Dialogue and Music, but Nice McLaren

Susan Sarandon narrates the film’s opening and introduces the adolescent version of Lindy (Kate Beckinsale). The painful monologue is a harbinger of a rough road ahead.

As a young girl, Lindy pushes a friend’s face into a birthday cake and beats a young boy repeatedly with a baseball bat.  Although violent sequences with children can be framed with a lighter touch (as in Christmas movies) and portrayed as funny, Wexler’s scenes are darker and more exploitative.

Since the early 20th century, films and television shows have displayed violent children with more grace, humor, and class.

For instance, the kids in the Umbrella Academy kill henchmen with their superpowers; sometimes they do it in twisted and graphic ways, but they never seem like cheap thugs, and most of the time, they’re humorous.

Young Lindy acts like she could bite the head off the Antichrist, but she’s so unlikeable and one-dimensional you don’t care about her struggles.

As for the soundtrack, it only adds to the misery. I can tolerate music I don’t like when it seems to fit the scene as long as it’s brief. Jolt’s soundtrack, put together by Dominic Lewis (a British composer for television and film), is one of the worst I’ve ever heard, and I lived through the ‘80s.

Whether it’s death metal from Latvia, hip-hop from a sociologist, or a Kenny G song recorded in a Geritol factory, the songs have to complement the action in the movie.

Lindy struts down in the street and tries not to stab pedestrians while the soundtrack tears into your eardrums and rips them to shreds.

Repeat the Same Joke Several Times, and It Just Gets Funnier

Lindy goes on a rampage when she discovers the guy she went on one date with is dead. Her loose connection to her one-night stand is frequently brought up throughout the film, and after the seventh or eighth time a new character asks Lindy about her almost-boyfriend, you might laugh out of boredom.

It’s a shame that Stanley Tucci and Kate Beckinsale couldn’t save the mess, but they’re not merely handicapped by the script. They act like Charles Bronson in Death Wish V. They don’t care enough or seem interested in making the film better. However, maybe the most entertaining Death Wish film is a bad example.

Bronson cruises through Death Wish V without much emotion, but at least the story involves a psychopath named Flakes with a dandruff problem.

Throughout the film, the cold-blood killer brushes dandruff off his shoulders in disgust. At one point, the dialogue focuses on Flakes complaining about his new medicated shampoo.

Ah, the Red Light District looks heavenly this evening!

He is a repulsive character. He runs people over with cars, slams Bronson’s girlfriend headfirst into a bathroom mirror, and complains about his itchy noggin. However, he’s more appealing than the heroes and villains in Jolt.

He dies when Bronson calls out, “Hey Flakes, I gotta cure for your dandruff problem,” and triggers an explosive remote-control soccer ball that sets Flakes’ head ablaze. Now, that’s quality bad cinema.

Here are some other bad movies you can watch instead of Electric Beckinsale:

  • Death Wish IV
  • Return of the Killer Tomatoes (starring George Clooney)
  • Hudson Hawk
  • Return of the Living Dead
  • Gotcha!
  • License To Drive
  • Our Man Flint
  • In Like Flint
  • The Presidio
  • Loaded Weapon
  • The Last Temptation of Christ
  • Night Patrol
  • The Big Chill
  • The Ice Pirates
  • Witchboard
  • The Night of the Comet
  • Throw Mama From the Train
  • Moonraker
  • Surf Nazis Must Die
  • Flash Gordon

The Midnight Sky Review ⁕⁕½

January 20, 2021 /

2049 Doesn’t Have Beard Defrosters

George Clooney’s 2020 film, The Midnight Sky, is an ambitious end-of-the-world tale. The story alternates between Clooney’s struggle with Arctic isolation and a group of astronauts trying to make it back to a worthless Earth.

I wasn’t a fan of Clooney’s previous directorial efforts, like Confessions of a Dangerous Mind, but after he starred in Oh Brother Where Art Thou, I began to respect his acting ability.

Of course, his magnificent portrayal of an older guy that helped the young women of the Facts of Life (right before it went off the air in the late 80s) is worth mentioning. Also, his genius in Return of the Killer Tomatoes is something to behold and regrettably forget.

With the exception of the Mad Max films, The Midnight sky has more humor than most dystopian films, but it suffers from an overload of melodrama. Yes, the world ending would be a depressing experience, but the movie sometimes becomes fixated on grief.

The Sadness…It’s Growing, but Hey, Turn Up That Neil Diamond

Augustine Lofthouse is a lonely dude. He lives by himself in an arctic outpost and spends his days drinking scotch, checking the status of radiation building up around the globe, hooking himself up to a blood transfusion machine, and trying to contact the last group of astronauts on the planet.

When he rushes into the kitchen to put out a fire, he discovers a young girl. After unsuccessfully trying to contact someone to come back for the girl, he reluctantly takes care of the child and eventually warms up to her.

In a series of flashbacks, we learn more about Augustine’s past and how he winds up in a frozen landscape. The flashbacks are positioned well in the film, but every time Clooney examines his memories, he gets sad and remorseful.

His acting and his co-stars’ performances are impressive, but the overabundance of gloom in the story can become numbing until someone, like his young co-star Caoilinn Springall, lightens the mood. However, one mood-lightening moment that I didn’t enjoy (I was actually cringing and searching for ear protection) was when the astronauts go on a spacewalk to make repairs.

One of the jokers inside the ship, played by Demián Bichir, decides to play Neil Diamond’s “Sweet Caroline” while his colleagues make life-saving repairs to the ship’s exterior. They all sing along, except for the youngest crew member who mentions that she doesn’t know the tune, and everyone does their complex repairs while they’re grinning and bobbing along to Neil’s groaning.

I don’t hate Neil Diamond. I think he’s a cornball, but I liked him in The Last Waltz. As far as his acting is concerned, I’d rather watch a series of instructional films produced in the 1950s. By using “Sweet Caroline,” Clooney escapes to another movie.

His film is no longer a serious end of the world story; it’s a short, goofy musical in space. This may have been his intention all along. He puts something stupid in the middle of the movie so that it’s not such a downer. I get it, but I didn’t enjoy it.

While the scene was playing out, I thought about a plot device that’s been overused by great directors and dime-store operators for several years. Out-of-place musical numbers (in a non-musical movie) usually preempt a horrific event.

Clooney doesn’t disappoint, and a tragedy occurs. I won’t mention what happens, but I was pleased with the special effects used to create zero gravity blood. It’s one of the most horrifying and visually creative scenes in the picture.

Frozen Eyebrows Vs. Space Brooders

Great. Now that the entire world is dead, I can finally grow out my beard. This is America’s beard. No, it’s the world’s beard now. Only damn beard left on the planet. And no more trimming my ear hair either. Gonna let it grow out till it reaches my feet. Maybe I’ll get in Guinness. Shucks, they’re all dead too.

The film shifts back and forth between Augustine’s plight and the desperate astronauts. I liked the interactions between Augustine and his silent companion much more than the brooding space people.

The special effects are high-dollar, and most of the time, I thought they looked fairly good. Clooney’s role in Gravity must have had a profound impact on him. Some of the action scenes in space look incredibly similar to those in his previous film, but I think Gravity’s effects are more polished and realistic.

Some of the space scenes, especially when they have a wide shot of the space station rotating, appear computer-generated. Using digital effects is OK when you forget that you’re looking at something artificial. For the most part, The Midnight Sky’s effects are commendable, but every once in a while, you can see weakness in the visuals.

Although I picked on it, The Midnight Sky is an entertaining film, albeit a gloomy one. It has some predictable moments, but it excels in creating an atmosphere that feels desolate and without hope. That’s fitting when radiation has killed everyone on the planet except a sick bearded guy, a silent little girl, and a group of singing space rangers.

The Lodge Is Not Worth Your Time

September 18, 2020 /

A Film Fit For a Landfill (Not a Fancy One)

Don’t fall for the movie’s effective trailer or positive reviews. Veronika Franz and Severin Fiala’s 2019 film, The Lodge, is a disappointing 108 minutes. It’s not one of the “scariest movies of all time” or a “reinvention of the genre.” If you have any unpleasant chores to complete in under two hours, you’re better off finishing them than attempting to watch one of the dumbest horror/psychological movies ever created.

I like horror films set in frigid environments, and I’m a big fan of The Thing (all three versions), The Shining, and 30 Days of Night. Like stormy nights, frozen landscapes seem to work well in horror movies.

The weather isolates the protagonists and makes it more challenging to fight off the villain or monster. Also, most horror directors undoubtedly appreciate the way that movie blood appears on snow.

During a warmer season, a trail of blood leading to a decapitated noggin would not be as noticeable as it would during a snowy winter. The Lodge fails to take advantage of the snow/blood combination and relies on indoor settings to stage its violent acts.

However, because of the film’s writing (worthy of an adolescent), it fails to deliver chilling moments. Even in the middle of a blizzard, the characters’ dire situation becomes boring rather than suspenseful.

The film’s plot involves a father, son, and daughter who spend their Christmas vacation at a snowy lodge in the woods with the father’s psychotic girlfriend. They’re still grieving the loss of their mother.

In the opening of the film, their Mom shoots herself in the head after she finds out her husband is divorcing her and planning on marrying one of the Manson women.

It sounds just like a classic Christmas movie. Doesn’t it? Suicide, cult members, strange children, and moronic filmmaking bring out the holiday spirit.

The Lodge is streaming on Hulu, but you’re better off watching the two-part Brady Bunch episode when the family goes to Hawaii. Greg’s struggle with a tiny wave that nearly kills him is riveting television.

Death Row Prisoners: Your Next Film Will Be The Lodge. Enjoy!

The kids’ father, played by Richard Armitage, is in the race for the worst parent of the year award. He casually decides to tell his wife (Alicia Silverstone) that he needs a divorce when he picks up the kids at her house.

Richard (doing a sloppy Michael Fassbender impersonation) wants to marry Grace (Riley Keough). Grace was one of the subjects of his last books and was the only survivor of a fundamentalist suicide cult.

When Richard’s children search the web for details about their future stepmom, they find a disturbing film depicting several dead bodies with their mouths taped shut and the word “SIN” written on the tape.

They type her name in a search engine, and an instant snuff film appears. Children live in a great age of technology, and I’m jealous that I didn’t have such a graphic resource at my disposal when I was a kid.

The camera pans around to all of the dead cult members in sleeping bags and focuses on a mirror that shows Grace operating the camera.

Why would an author begin dating a mass murderer while he’s researching a book? And how did Grace escape a life prison sentence or a room at an asylum?

These questions are never answered, but thankfully, you won’t notice because The Lodge only becomes more ridiculous and amateurish as the film progresses.

Six months after his wife’s suicide, Richard has a great idea.

He decides to take Grace and his two children to a secluded cabin in the woods. Like several other haunted house or secluded cabin movies, Richard gets called away for a vital work issue and must leave Grace alone with his children.

Before he leaves, he decides to create some foreshadowing for the film.  

In one of the most idiotic scenes of the movie, Richard gives Grace a shooting lesson with his old revolver. Of course, she doesn’t need his lessons. She shoots a tree repeatedly like a western sharpshooter and empties the pistol.

Providing gun lessons to a former cult member who looks like she hasn’t slept in a year is an excellent plan. Does Richard secretly hate his children?

Riley, Will You Speak Up, Please?

Compared to the performances in horror films from the ’80s, the acting in The Lodge isn’t awful. At least the kids aren’t bad. Riley Keough’s performance as Grace isn’t too convincing. She looks ragged, has rings under her eyes, and barely speaks above a whisper throughout the film.

Indeed, she appears to be a cultist who shouldn’t be babysitting your kids, but her muted speech and painkiller demeanor are more stylish than scary.

She attempts to act like a disturbed person but only comes off as someone who failed at loving up to the goth kids in high school. When Grace begins to hallucinate after losing her medication, the movie starts to show some signs of life.

All of her food, clothes, meds, and loving dog disappear overnight, and the children act stunned when they’re accused of the crime. To make things more unpleasant, the generator stops working, and the power goes out.

The kids have to endure a frigid cabin during a blizzard with an increasingly unhinged mass murderer, but it’s hard to feel sorry for them.

When Grace finds a picture of the kids with the words “In Loving Memory of” buried in the snow, the teenager (Aidan, played by Jaeden Martell) suggests to Grace that all of them are dead.

Aidan pretends to hang himself to scare Grace, but she’s unconvinced that they’re in limbo between heaven and hell until she finds her frozen dog. The dog’s death is the breaking point for Grace, and I guess it was for me, too.

The dog was the only likable part of the movie. I can handle poorly written scripts and bad acting, but I struggled to make it through a cinematic disaster that included a dead dog scene. The kids supposedly didn’t intend to release the dog into the frozen landscape.

However, it’s challenging to believe the kids after they’ve spent their time tormenting a psychopath.

Sympathy can be a compelling emotion in a horror movie. When you identify with a victim, their death affects you, but when every character (except the dog) is worthless, their demise isn’t unpleasant. It’s welcome.

Short Film Review: Alien

April 24, 2020 /

Man, where is the bathroom in this place? Hmm… I’ll just use one of those pod-looking things over there. Hey Ripley, can you send down some Charmin?

**** Ripley’s Words of Wisdom****

Ripley: Wait a minute, if we let it in the ship, we’ll all be infected. You know the quarantine procedure- 24 hours for decontamination.

Dallas: He could die in 24 hours. Open the hatch.

Ripley: Listen to me. If we break quarantine, we could all die.

Lambert: Will you open the God*#%ned hatch! We have to get him on the ship.

Ripley: NO.

In 1979, Ridley Scott brought horror into the science fiction world with Alien. The film started a trend that still appears as a storyline in today’s films. That storyline is: It’s fun to watch aliens terrorize people on a damaged spaceship.

Why is the ship always damaged? Every killer alien running-amok movie includes an asteroid impact, crash landing, exploding planet, or Oh heck, the space geese just flew into the air vents in its screenplay.

In Alien, the crew, who failed their planet landing exams, execute a clumsy landing that breaches the ship’s hull. They don’t precisely crash the ship, but they land it hard like they’re a couple of driver’s ed rejects.

Just once, Hollywood writers, I want to see a violent alien ravaging humans on a perfect, healthy ship.

The engines will not fail, the oxygen levels will always remain normal, the crew will not contract a foodborne illness from the blue food, and everyone on the ship will sing Jim Croce songs until a murderous E.T. rips them apart.

Is that too much to ask?

All petty bickering aside, Alien is a great film and one of the best in the horror/science fiction category. Sometimes, the movie feels like an old monster flick, but Boris Karloff never had an alien parasite smash through his chest.

Alien involves a group of miners heading back to earth. The ship automatically changes course when it intercepts a distress signal, and the ship’s computer revives the crew from cryo-sleep.

When the crew land on a dismal planet, they move out in search of the signal’s origin. Instead of finding people in distress, they find a downed ship.

Kane, played by John Hurt, strolls around in his spacesuit and falls off a platform. When he gets up, he’s surrounded by several large, grimy pods.

The alien pods look like enormous avocados. Kane, for some reason, is fascinated by the pods and wants to take a closer look. Even when the pod slowly opens from the top and gurgles at Kane, the genius moves his head closer to the opening.

The gurgling increases, and an alien that looks like a combination of a crab and a scorpion springs onto Kane’s helmet. It’s a scene that’s intended to make you jump, and it does. It scarred the heck out of me when I was a kid.

Young Ripley… look into the light!

One night, in a hotel room in Pell City, Alabama, in 1981, I tried to watch Alien while I pretended to be asleep. My family was traveling to Texas, and we stopped in Alabama at the halfway point.

I remember my Dad telling me to go to sleep when he saw me watching the beginning of Alien. He didn’t change the channel. He sat on the other bed and watched the movie while I practiced my best impression of an obedient, sleeping six-year-old.

Telling a young kid, not to watch a movie with spaceships, aliens, and Sigourney Weaver is like asking Lenny the arsonist to burn with care when you hand him a flame thrower at a paper factory.

I watched the first space shuttle launch from a television wheeled in by my kindergarten teacher. Of course, I wanted to watch an R-rated killer alien movie.

However, my tolerance for horror and gore was at a low point when I was six. When the alien attacks Kane, I gave up trying to watch the movie and settled for viewing it in my nightmares that night.

Until the alien makes an appearance, Alien is slower-paced, but the last half of the film is a marathon of suspense and terror. There is a lot of running, sweating, alien drool, loud alarms, flashing lights, and milky android vomit.

If you want to take your mind off of the current state of gloom, try watching films where people deal with unbelievably horrible situations like Alien. It always makes me feel better.

Absurd comedies can also take your mind off of things, and another option is the American DaVinci, Bob Ross. Horror, comedy, or a brilliant artist with a huge afro. Take your pick. All three are distracting.

Short, Film Reviews Part 2

March 6, 2020 /
Groovy Van. The bloodstains are a nice touch.

The Texas Chain Saw Massacre (1974)

Franklin: If I have any more fun today, I don’t think I’m gonna be able to take it!

Tobe Hooper’s second feature-length film is full of bad decisions, and for a movie named The Texas Chain Saw Massacre, it’s odd that the lovable Leatherface kills only one person with a chain saw.

The film’s story involves a young woman and her brother who travel with their three friends to a cemetery in Texas to identify the vandalized remains of a family member.

They decide to search for their relative’s family estate in the country but eventually run into Leatherface and his family of killer rednecks.

When I was a kid, I heard rumors about a scary, bloody movie in which tons of people were murdered with a chain saw.

Years later, I realized the rumors were untrue, and most of the meatheads spreading the lies were children who had not watched the movie.

Compared to most horror films, Chain Saw is not a bloody movie. It may be more terrifying than any film in history, but its horror doesn’t rely on cheap thrills or gory carnage.

It had a tiny budget, around $140,000, but it’s hard to tell if you watch it in HD. When I was in high school, I watched it on VHS, and it was bleak and grainy.

I thought the faded colors were merely the marks of a low-budget film made in the early ’70s. I loved the movie when I watched it on videotape, but I was shocked by the remastered version on DVD.

In the remastered cut of the film, the sprawling countryside of Central Texas is bright and beautiful. The colors are crisp, the sun is intense and impressive, and the imagery draws you in. The camerawork and editing are not low budget at all. They’re brilliant.

Although the actors weren’t well known at the time of the film’s release, they aren’t too bad. They’re talented and believable performers, but their characters make incredibly stupid decisions throughout the film.

This includes picking up a disgusting hitchhiker, letting the hitchhiker borrow a pocketknife, reading horoscopes from American Astrology, and wondering into an isolated home that Ed Gein would be proud of.

I don’t think it’s a slasher film, but it popularized the notion that young adults enjoy walking into dark places and dilapidated homes. It certainly influenced the dumb teenager craze of the ’80s and ’90s.

The jarring sound effects and grisly images propel you into a twisted world that makes you cringe. It’s horror at its finest, and I don’t recommend viewing it with young children or the grandparents.

Unless, of course, your family consists of cannibalistic bumkins who sell human barbecue. If that’s the case, they’ll really dig it.

Short, Film Reviews Part 1

March 2, 2020 /
Hugging these ladies makes me angry. Hey Janet, jump in the shower real quick, I want to try something. (from an Italian Movie Poster)

I’m adding reviews to the Film Lists section of the website, and the content will be split up into a series of blog posts. Although the current lists focus on horror films, I’ll add more genres in the future.

I’m not covering every type of film (no documentaries on Hungarian, accordion virtuosos), but I’ll review movies I enjoy and believe others will appreciate.

When I decided to create a “best of” horror section, I viewed the movies, made notes, and tried to remember the first time I watched each film.

I didn’t read other critics’ reviews or lists from The American Film Institute; I solely used my brain to publish the lists. Like many of you, my opinion of a film changes over time, and as it’s often the case, I like the flick more after seeing it a second or third time.

The biggest problem I encountered while developing the lists was how to rank the films. All twenty-five are exceptional horror films, and although Psycho ranked first and Lords of Salem ranked twenty-fifth, the order is less important than the film’s impact on the world.

Psycho (1960)

I believe Psycho should be ranked first because it changed the film industry and the country forever. There’s nothing like it. The shower scene, creepy Anthony Perkins, gorgeous Janet Leigh, Bernard Herman’s excellent and memorable soundtrack, and high-caliber camerawork set Psycho apart from any movie made before or since.

Before the premiere of the film in 1960, filmgoers often arrived and departed theaters at odd times. Hitchcock persuaded theater owners to forbid anyone from entering the theater after the starting time.

The director wasn’t being extreme in his requests. He understood that anyone arriving late would not understand what was going on. Missing the shower scene and first murder, which might have been a good thing for some, would warp the viewer’s understanding of the plot.

Hitchcock’s shocking murder scene in the shower convinced many Americans (including Janet Leigh) to follow Ernie’s (from Sesame Street) advice and make bath time more fun.

I think that changing your bathing habits because of a horror movie is strange, but I’m fascinated when art influences everyday life. Even Homer Simpson changed his bathroom habits after watching Lethal Weapon 2. He started checking behind the toilet for a bomb before sitting on the commode.

Norman Bates, played by Anthony Perkins, is unlike most villains in horror movies. He’s friendly, hesitant with his words, menacing, and completely bonkers.

Perkins’ performance was so convincing and notorious that his career suffered after Psycho. He continued to work in movies and television, but producers were reluctant to offer him major roles. Norman, the psychopath, would not grab the starring role in a romantic comedy or adventure film.

From the opening shot to the finale, Psycho is a scary film that never loses steam. Inventive editing, a jolting soundtrack, and Oscar-level acting propel the “pulp” material into a masterpiece. It’s a sordid tale, and although it recently turned 60 years old, it’s still relevant and entertaining in the year 2020.

If you’re nervous or a little freaked out after watching the film, relax. Have a few drinks and take a long, hot shower.

Film Review: Doctor Sleep ⁕⁕⁕

February 1, 2020 /
Image result for doctor sleep images not copyright protected

Baseball Boy: Are you going to hurt me?

Rose the Hat: Yeah.

Since the 1976 film Carrie, Hollywood has turned several of Stephen King’s works into movies. King is a prolific writer whose vault of horror has enticed screenwriters, directors, and producers for the past four decades.

From 1976 to 1999, King’s works inspired twenty-seven films. Since 1999, countless television films, television series, and films followed, but the best ones, in my opinion, were made during the first twenty-three years. These include Carrie, The Shining, The Dead Zone, Cujo, Misery, Pet Sematary, Creepshow, The Running Man, Stand by Me, The Dark Half, and The Green Mile.

I’ve been a fan of Stephen King since I was nine years old (an appropriate age to start reading horror). One afternoon in Texas, I quietly pulled a copy of Cujo from my grandmother’s shelf and read for a few hours. I threw the book aside when my mother noticed I was reading a horror novel.

Although I was too young to understand why a character in Cujo was pleasuring himself over a bedspread, the terrifying and depressing story drew me in.  

I continue to enjoy King’s novels, and unlike some of his die-hard fans, I like many of the movies based on his work. Most of his work is challenging to translate into films.

King admits that he suffers from “diarrhea of the word processor”. He includes a vast amount of details and characters in his novels, and sometimes they’re too numerous to include in a screenplay.

Controversy often accompanies the opening of a Stephen King film, and Doctor Sleep is no different. Some critics complained that a scene involving the torture of a young boy was too brutal. It’s a harsh scene, but it’s based on a violent novel. Critics also slammed It for displaying acts of violence towards children.

Children always play a significant role in King’s novels. They are the heroes and often the victims. If you consider how dark and violent the stories It and Doctor Sleep are, you can’t complain about the brutality of the films.

It involves a demonic clown that terrorizes and kills the children of a small town every 27 years. Doctor Sleep centers on a traveling clan of magical killers. They roam around the country, torturing and killing children who possess the shining.

Stanley Kubrick’s The Shining did not please Stephen King. Kubrick’s version wasn’t faithful to the book, and to this day, the great Horror King of New England cannot understand why people consider The Shining as one of the greatest and scariest horror movies.

I understand why. Stanley Kubrick wasn’t concerned with making an utterly faithful adaption of King’s work; he wanted to make a horror film his way. The film’s rhythm is what makes The Shining so scary.

It’s not the type of horror film that makes you jump; it’s the type that causes the hairs on your arm to rise. I read The Shining and watched the movie, and I like both. King’s novel is scarier than Kubrick’s film, but I treat them as separate entities.

Reading horror gives me a different feeling than watching a horror film. I don’t get upset when everything I visualized from a novel isn’t displayed the same way in the movie.

I mention the Kubrick version of The Shining because Doctor Sleep desperately tries to replicate its mood, characters, and music. The opening notes of Doctor Sleep repeat the roaring Wendy Carlos soundtrack of The Shining. I like hearing Wendy Carlos again, and it’s one of the few “Kubrick tributes” that doesn’t irritate me.

Too Much Heartbeat

Mike Flanagan wrote and directed Doctor Sleep, and for the most part, he did a decent job. There’s solid acting, stylish visual effects, and plenty of frightening moments. However, Flanagan went overboard when his Kubrick man-crush affected his better judgment.

The slow, repetitive, heartbeat sound effect from The Shining established suspense in the first film, but Flannigan uses the beat so much that it becomes a common feature of the soundtrack. It doesn’t add to or increase the tension in the scenes but becomes a constant thump in the background.

Another aspect of the Kubrick love fest that doesn’t work is the use of different actors to portray Jack Nicholson, Scatman Crothers, and Shelley Duvall’s characters from The Shining. I understand that it’s practical to use new actors when you’re producing a sequel forty years after the original.

Scatman Crothers is no longer with us, and any digital representations of the original actors would’ve inflated the budget by several million. Henry Thomas (Elliot from E.T.) plays Lloyd the bartender/Jack Torrance, Carl Lumbly plays Dick Halloran, Roger Dale Floyd plays young Danny Torrance, and Alexandra Essoe plays Wendy Torrance.

The acting by this new group isn’t horrible, but as hard as they try to look and act like the originals, they can’t pull it off. It gives you a weird feeling when Danny Torrance doesn’t have the correct hairstyle in Doctor Sleep.

Danny Lloyd, the actor who played Danny Torrance in The Shining, had a hall of fame “bowl cut.” I’m an expert in the field of bowl cutting because I had the same haircut until 1983.

Roger Dale Floyd’s cut is puny and misshapen. It doesn’t hold a candle to Danny Lloyd’s massive bowl. The stylist from Doctor Sleep didn’t use the correct eight-quart mixing bowl to cut Floyd’s hair.

If you look fast, you’ll see Danny Lloyd, the true lord of follicles, in a cameo during the magic show.

Ewan McGregor plays a subdued Dan Torrance, and he’s right for the role. McGregor, like many talented actors from the UK, plays an American more convincingly than most American actors playing British roles.

Have you watched Keanu Reeves or Winona Ryder attempt a British accent in Bram Stoker’s Dracula? If you haven’t, it would be better if you only imagine it.

Dan Torrance is a recovering alcoholic, burdened with guilt, who can’t find his purpose in life. He moves to a small town in New Hampshire to live simply and forget the horrors of his past.

While working as a custodian in a hospice, he sees a cat scurry into a patient’s room. Azzie, the cat, knows when someone is close to death. When Azzie lays down on a patient’s bed, they pass away that night.

Dan uses the shining to speak to the dying men telepathically. He reassures them that there is life after death, and he describes death as a long sleep. One man nicknames him Doctor Sleep.

Dan finally finds a use for the shining that doesn’t involve the ghosts from his past. He’s content with the calm of his new life until Abra contacts him.

Kyliegh Curran & Rebecca Ferguson

Abra, played by newcomer Kyliegh Curran, is a teenager with powerful psychic abilities. She has the shining, like Dan, but her powers are more focused and refined.

She can locate people who are hundreds of miles away, with her mind. She reads people’s thoughts and tears into their brains to find hidden memories. Dan finds a message on a blackboard in his room sent telepathically by Abra, and he corresponds with her in the same way for eight years.

When Abra’s shine allows her to witness the killing of a young boy, she cries out in terror. The cry knocks Dan to the ground, and it forces Rose the Hat to pause her murderous act.

Rose the Hat, played by Rebecca Ferguson, is the wicked leader of the True Knot. Her clan travels in a caravan to find and feed on gifted children. The kids release “steam” when they’re tortured, and the group inhales it to extend their lifespan.

The clan’s eyes glow blue when they take steam. Their wounds heal, their grey hair turns brown, and their abilities increase in power. They cuddle each other after killing a young boy. The True Knot are sick puppies.

After Rose becomes aware of Abra and how powerful she is, she decides her group needs the girl. Slowly Killing Abra would give the group a jackpot of steam. Rose, using her mind powers, pursues Abra but realizes the little girl is stronger.

I like the interactions between Rose and Abra. The teenager, brimming with psychic energy, taunts the experienced killer and injures her. Most horror movies feature a villain who terrorizes his victims, but in Doctor Sleep, the victim torments the villain.

The mind battles between Abra and Rose are incredibly entertaining. Special effects play a significant role in the action, and the way they represent telepathic travel between the heroes and the killers is unique.

However, the attractive visuals would mean nothing if the acting reeked. Have you watched Kevin Bacon in Friday the 13th? He’s so bad, you’re relieved when he’s skewered.

Horror movies are notorious for bad acting, but Doctor Sleep is different. Ferguson’s performance is a standout. Her ghoulish killer is charming, cruel, and attractive. She’s evil but somehow likable.

Another high point of the film is Curran’s role. She’s new to the acting world, but she’s a talented performer. She brings humor and humility to her compelling character.

Doctor Sleep is a worthy sequel to The Shining and more enjoyable than most horror produced today.

Its excellent acting and nifty effects boost the morbid tale, but the numerous Kubrick love notes interfere with the storytelling. I ‘m sorry, Stephen King, but Stanley Kubrick (God rest his Soul) managed to infect your vision once again.

Film Review: Anna

January 14, 2020 /

Continuing his tradition of featuring strong female characters, Luc Besson makes another attempt with Anna. Sasha Luss plays the assassin Anna, and her performance is the highlight of the film.

Anna is a drug-addicted prostitute who, after the death of her pimp/boyfriend, becomes a superhuman KGB killer. She works as a supermodel in the daytime and kills her targets at night.

The story takes place in Moscow in 1985. KGB agents race around the city and arrest several suspects. A CIA agent identifies one of the suspects when someone sends a severed head to his office.  

Don’t you miss the Cold War? It was a simpler time with well-defined enemies and blood-soaked packages.

The film quickly shifts its focus to 1990. Anna decides to leave her job selling Russian dolls to become a fashion model. The scenes of Anna posing for her fashion shoots are incredibly long and dull.

I’m not sure why the director chose to spend so much time with the fashion scenes. Maybe he wanted to prove that Sash Luss, who is a successful model in real life, can play a supermodel. Can a tall, beautiful, blonde supermodel play a tall, beautiful, blonde supermodel in a film?

After boring us with fashion, Anna shifts back to 1987 and displays Anna’s rough life as an abused prostitute. Then, once again, the film shifts forward to 1990.

Time after Time

For a movie that has nothing to do with time travel, there are countless flashbacks and flash-forwards. There are so many that you become oblivious to the film’s location or time.

I like films that follow a non-linear path, but Anna’s time shifts seem unnecessary and frustrating. The poorly developed plot is hindered even more by this gimmick. The plot can use all the help it can get.

Strangely, the film never focuses on the year that Anna trains with the KGB.

I would like to know how a reformed addict, with only one year of training, becomes the most lethal assassin in the world.

She’s a cold-blooded killer who rarely shoots her pistol without hitting someone in the head. She cuts through bodyguards and soldiers like they’re butter, and she uses broken plates, bar railing, and dinnerware to dispatch victims when she’s unable to shoot them.

The one time she shows emotion during her killing sprees is when she frantically stabs a large man with a fork. The action scenes with Anna are exciting and the only reason to watch the film.

Sasha Luss looks natural when performing fight scenes, and her acting is not too bad. Her character is hard to dislike, but her frequent complaints about her life as a model/killer become annoying.

Anna is tearful when she talks about gaining her freedom from the KGB, but she doesn’t shed a tear after killing fifty men in two days. She’s a complicated woman.

Luc Besson Blues

I hesitate, for a moment, when I decide to watch a Luc Besson film. He has disappointed me so many times that I always fear the worst. Anna is not the worst, but it’s close.

Besson has a talent for using beautiful, statuesque women in his action films. I commend him for promoting female empowerment, but I wish he could back it up with better writing and directing.

His plot twists and weak dialogue often prevent his Valkyries from achieving greatness. Scarlett Johansson in Lucy, Milla Jovovich in The Messenger, and Sasha Luss in Anna are all examples of strong women who perished under Besson.

I like parts of his films, but most of them involve action sequences.

His most critically acclaimed film, The Professional, is the one I dislike the most. I like Jean Reno, Natalie Portman, and Gary Oldman, but they’re not impressive in Besson’s overrated romp.

The story centers around a sensitive hitman who takes in his neighbor’s teenage daughter while he avoids a cartoonish, dirty cop played by Oldman. Although it’s loved by many, I won’t waste any more time complaining about it.

Mirren needs a Beach House

One of Besson’s worst crimes in Anna is how he uses Helen Mirren. She plays Olga. She’s a strict, KGB officer who handles Anna’s cases.

Her Russian accent is slightly believable, but her brown wig is unintentionally funny. She looks like one of The Turtles and doesn’t seem happy about it.

The head of the KGB makes a crack about her appearance when he says, “We only keep the ugly ones.” Helen Mirren? Ugly?

I’ve never thought of those words fitting together, but I’m biased toward Helen Miren. Ever since I watched Caligula in college, I’ve loved her. In Anna, there’s not much to love.

Olga is more of a caricature of a despotic, Soviet boss than a real character, and her dialogue sounds like the fourteen-year-old version of Luc Besson wrote it.

She delivers memorable lines such as “Anna, no one f#*%! with KGB”. Her broken English won’t win her the Oscar this year, but everyone needs a paycheck.

Oscar winners can’t always perform at a high level, and I don’t have a problem with that. I only wish that Natasha from The Adventures of Rocky and Bullwinkle didn’t come to mind when I saw Mirren in Anna.

There are many theories as to why actors decide to star in bad films, but Sir Michael Caine gave the likeliest answer. When a journalist asked him why he starred in Jaws 4, he said, “I needed a beach house.”

Film Review: The ‘Burbs

December 26, 2019 /

The ‘Burbs ꙳꙳꙳꙳

“Hey, one of the Huns came out of the cave.”  Bruce Dern

“In Southeast Asia, we’d call this type of thing Bad Karma.” Bruce Dern

“I wouldn’t have missed this for the world. A week in Jonestown.” Carrie Fisher

The ‘Burbs is an underappreciated classic. The director, Joe Dante, managed to pull off a rare feat in Hollywood. He made a comedy/horror movie that’s not terrible. It’s not violent or gory but has the feel of an old-fashioned horror film.

Ray(Tom Hanks) fears that his new neighbors, the Klopeks, are up to no good. At the opening of the film, he wakes up and walks to the edge of his yard to investigate the strange noises coming from the Klopek’s house.

He turns and sees his militant neighbor, Rumsfield(Bruce Dern), watching him and lighting a cigar in the darkness. The theme from Patton quietly plays in the background. When Ray steps into his neighbor’s yard, a heavy wind picks up and nearly knocks him down. When he steps back into his yard, the wind stops.

The Neighborhood

The ‘Burbs never leaves its suburban setting. It’s a typical, American neighborhood(for the upper-middle class) filled with green lawns, healthy trees, and dogs that run to the neighbor’s yard to do their business.

The Klopek’s house is a decrepit, gothic mess with dying trees and a brown lawn. It is the sore eye of the neighborhood; many of you have likely experienced your own Klopek house. Hopefully, none of you are unfortunate enough to have neighbors like the Klopeks.

The Klopeks

The Klopeks are  Dr. Werner(Henry Gibson of Laugh-In fame), Hans(Courtney Gains), and Uncle Reuben(Brother Theodore). Hans is the young, skittish Klopek who’s seen driving his garbage out to the curb and beating it with a shovel.

He has beady eyes, inconsistent facial hair, and a penchant for Pinocchio fashion. His uncle Reuben is a gruff man of few words and probably the scariest of the Klopeks.

He represents the horror stereotype of the scary German, but he does it well. Dr. Werner appears amiable and witty and tries to show his neighbors that his family isn’t completely crazy. Henry Gibson is perfect as the friendly, demented doctor.

Ray’s obnoxious neighbor Art(Rick Ducommun) presses Ray to confront the Klopeks. Art is a fast-talking, heavy eating, goofball who, along with Rumsfield, tries to convince the skeptical Ray that the Klopeks are pure evil.

Although Tom Hanks is the star of the film, the supporting characters steal the show. Hanks is believable as an average family man who dislikes confrontation, but he can be whiney and overly dramatic when faced with the crisis.

I like Hanks best as a comedic actor, and in 1989, his Oscar-winning reputation had yet to materialize. He was known for Splash, Bachelor Party, Turner and Hooch, and Big, but his dramatic roles in the late 80’s received less praise or attention.

Bruce Dern plays a slightly, crazed veteran who helps Ray and Art investigate their strange, new neighbors.

He wears military fatigues throughout the course of the film and carries a night vision scope, but he’s more comical than dangerous. In one scene, while standing guard with his rifle, he falls off the roof and shoots out a car window. As a goofy Rambo, he’s hilarious in every scene.

Carol(Carrie Fisher) tries to discourage her husband from spending his vacation in the ‘burbs, and she’s the sarcastic voice of reason in the film. She loves her husband but doesn’t hesitate to point out the absurdity of his actions. Carrie Fisher is charming and funny, and although her role in the film is small, she deserves more recognition for her talent. 

The ‘Burbs is a silly film, but it’s what I consider “good” silly. The camera moves around in a grander fashion than most comedy/horror movies.

When the tension builds, the camera captures the reactions of the neighbors in extreme close-ups. After cutting between these stunned reactions, the camera falls on a close-up of Queenie the poodle. Joe Dante doesn’t take his horror too serious, and that’s good.

The slapstick, dark humor, and above-average acting help create an extremely entertaining film. There is a fair amount of 80’s cheese, mostly supplied by Corey Feldman, but it doesn’t detract from the fun.

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