Cooking and Cinema

Short Stories, Film Reviews, and Recipes

Category: Cooking advice (Page 2 of 3)

Kitchen Cutlery Conundrum

February 8, 2020 /

Blade Love

Americans spend over 700 million dollars a year on kitchen knives. With statistics like that, you’d think that every man, woman, and child in the land of the free are experienced masters of culinary cutlery.

Children should be butchering cattle by age five, and teenagers should be experts at the knife game featured in Aliens.

How can we spend so much on cutlery? We haven’t disrupted the restaurant industry with our blade love.

The National Restaurant Association reports the projected sales of US restaurants in 2019 totals 863 billion dollars.

Knife blocks are a common feature of the American kitchen. They display your fancy steel, and they prevent your blades from getting scratched up in a drawer. I should know; I have two of them.

Yes, it seems excessive to have over twenty kitchen knives, but I have an excuse. I’m homeschooling a large group of butcher apprentices, and as you know, I need tons of cutlery for training. Actually, the truth is less entertaining or insane.

After purchasing an inexpensive knife block, I inherited a block of 1982 Chicago Cutlery (when the company’s product was manufactured in Wauconda, Illinois rather than China), and I frequently use the bread knife and chef’s knife.

Alfred Paulson founded Chicago Cutlery in 1930 as a knife-conditioning and sharpening operation. With a steady supply of butchers and commercial retailers, he expanded his business to include knife manufacturing.

Before the company’s takeover in 1988, the knives were crafted by hand. The handles were made from American trees, and the blades were made with U.S. Steel.

Mine has held up well for being 38 years old, and I recommend buying a used set if you can verify the knives’ production date.

Although I have enough steel to declare war on Vermont, I realized that I rarely use most of it. I have three sets of steak knives. As Marlon Brando said, “The horror …. The horror!”

Unless I begin serving well-done beef to dozens of dinner guests each week, I don’t need steak knives. At the restaurant and in the kitchen, I seldom use more than three types of cutlery.

It Takes Three

There are countless myths and clichés concerning the number three, but sometimes, I buy into the idea that good things come in threes.

Except for The Godfather Part III, Episodes 1-3 of Star Wars (at least there were two sets of excellent trilogies), the second and third Matrix films, and the last two Hangover movies, I like trilogies.

I respect the holy trinity of Cajun cooking, which includes onions, celery, and bell peppers. I admire the inept three branches of our government, I’m thrilled by documents that require three signatures, and when I had hair, I excelled at lather, rinse, and repeat.

The same goofy nonsense (my sarcastic analysis of the lucky number) applies to cutlery. All you need in your kitchen is three knives: a chef’s knife, a serrated knife, and a paring knife.

Many of you may also use a carving knife and a cleaver. A well-made chef’s knife can accomplish many of the same tasks unless you need a cleaver for your daily butchering of large animals.

A long-bladed carving knife is handy, but how often do you slice a whole turkey, ham, roast beef, or pig?

If you answered, “very often,” you could use an 8-10-inch chef’s blade. A chef’s knife or butcher knife is the most useful tool in your kitchen. Unless you’re cutting baked bread, a chef’s knife will slice, chop, or slaughter all your meat and produce.

I use a paring knife for peeling apples, slicing peppers and grape tomatoes, and cutting cheese. You can use a chef’s blade for the same jobs, but a sharp paring knife is safer and more comfortable on Los Manos.

Did you sit on my Bread, Chief?

A sharp serrated knife that has points similar to those on a tree saw is perfect for cutting bread. If your dime-store bread blade mashes rather than slices your Uncle’s famous beer bread, buy a better knife.

A lousy knife will make your slices of bread look like they were used as hemorrhoid pillows. The sat-upon look of your food will not impress the in-laws or escaped prisoners.

I understand that it may seem hypocritical only to promote using the holy trinity of steel when I own more knives than the average human, but I’m trying to change.

It’s difficult to sell or donate knives given to me as gifts, and I can’t part with inherited cutlery. I’ll admit it. I’m a sentimental maniac.

Basil’s Recipe # 4: Black Bean Salsa

February 5, 2020 /
In Food Processor, Blend the following:
⅓ can of Black Beans drained
½ cup Corn
1 tsp Cumin
1 tbsp Chili Powder
Juice of 2 Limes
1 tbsp Olive Oil
1 tsp Salt
1 tsp Pepper
½ cup Chopped Cilantro
After Blending, In a Metal Bowl, Stir in the Following:
⅔ can of Black Bean drained
½ cup Corn
1 cup Tomato diced
½ cup Red Onion diced

In 2010, Basil’s featured the Black Bean Salsa with the Tuna Tacos. It’s a simple recipe that you can make in ten minutes. The recipe uses a 15.25 oz can of black beans.

The instructions mention that you blend ⅓ of a can of black beans, and you mix ⅔ of a can of whole black beans at the end. This measurement doesn’t have to be exact.

After draining the beans, pour them into a clear measuring cup. Grab a little less than half of the beans to blend in the processor. If you want the salsa to have a thicker consistency, use half of the beans.

If you like your salsa hotter, add a quarter cup of diced jalapenos.

Currently, Basil’s uses the salsa in this month’s Chef’s Features. It’s featured with the new Tuna Tacos and the Santa Fe Chicken salad.

This summer, when you’re able to purchase locally-grown tomatoes, try making this recipe again. I really like the salsa, but it’s even better with home-grown( that’s what I use) or farmer’s market tomatoes.

Basil’s Recipe #3: Cilantro Aioli

January 26, 2020 /

Ingredients

4 Cloves Roasted Garlic

½ cup Fresh Cilantro

4 Lemons juiced(zest from 1 lemon)

Pinch of Salt

1 cup Sour Cream

4 cups Mayonnaise

Instructions

1) Roast the unpeeled garlic cloves in a skillet on medium heat. Turn cloves over after a few minutes to toast the other side. Remove cloves when all sides are cooked and remove peels.

2) Place cilantro, lemon zest, and lemon juice in a food processor and mix for 30 seconds.

3) Add remaining ingredients to the processor and mix for 1 minute.

4) Store and in a plastic container and refrigerate for 1 hour until ready to use.

I introduced this recipe in 2010 when we served Fried Green Tomatoes. It complements fried seafood and vegetables, but it can also be used as a sandwich spread.

Rather than using mustard or mayonnaise on your sandwiches or burgers, try using Cilantro Aioli. Fresh lemons are much better to use in this recipe than bottled lemon juice.

Parmesan & Black Pepper Bread

January 21, 2020 /

Ingredients

½ tbsp Instant Yeast

2 ¼ cups Warm Water

1 tbsp Extra Virgin Olive Oil

1½ tsp Kosher Salt

4 ½ cups Sifted All-Purpose Flour

1 cup Shredded Fresh Parmesan

1 ½ tsp Cracked Black Pepper 

Instructions

1) Mix yeast and warm water in a large metal bowl with a whisk.

2) Add olive oil and 1 tsp salt.

3) Add flour one cup at a time. Use a whisk for the first two cups, then use a rubber spatula to add remaining flour.

4) Fold in parmesan and cracked black pepper.

5) Form the dough into a ball. Remove dough from the bowl, spray the bowl with baking spray, and return the dough to the bowl.

6) Cover the bowl with plastic wrap and allow to rise for 1 hour.

7) Press dough down and fold into a ball. Return the dough to the bowl with the seam side down.

8) Cover the bowl with plastic wrap and allow to rise for 30 minutes.

9) Place dough on a lightly-floured counter and fold into a long cylinder. With a sharp knife, score the top of the dough. Sprinkle the remaining ½ tsp salt over the dough. Preheat the oven to 400° F. Allow the dough to rise, uncovered on a greased pan, for 20 minutes.

10) Bake for 20-22 minutes. Allow to cool for 10 minutes before slicing.

This bread is perfect for sandwiches and Italian pasta. Most bread recipes require a separate bowl to mix the dough and one for rising.

As long as all of the flour ends up in the dough when you mix it, you don’t have to put the dough in another bowl for rising. Save yourself the trouble of cleaning two bowls and just use one.

I made this bread for my cousin Amy and her husband when they visited last year. They enjoyed it, and I hope you will too.

Basil’s Recipe #2: Spinach Dip

January 9, 2020 /

Ingredients

2 lbs. Frozen Spinach

1 ½ cups Sour Cream

¾ cup Diced Red Onion

2 ½ cups Mayonnaise

1.4 oz(I packet) Knorr Vegetable Soup Mix

Instructions

1) Place Spinach in a colander and run cold water over it to thaw.

2) Mix Sour Cream, Red Onions, Mayonnaise, and Vegetable Soup Mix in a metal bow.

3) Press Spinach in a colander to remove water. Spinach should be only slightly moist.

4) Mix Spinach with the rest of the ingredients with a rubber spatula. Refrigerate for 2 hours before serving.

5) Serve with Toasted Pita Bread, French Bread, or Crackers.

Spinach Dip, the only dip served chilled, is one of Basil’s oldest recipes. It’s best when you serve it with toasted pita.

If you don’t have pita in your kitchen, you can use any type of toasted bread. French bread, Italian bread, French baguette, and Ciabatta are types of bread I recommend.

Fried Air and California Raisins

January 5, 2020 /

Do you own an air fryer or an Instant Pot? Right now, they’re two of the hottest kitchen appliances. Before Christmas, if you found out that the instant pot was Amazon’s most popular product, you might have been tempted to order one.

The instant pot is a compact, pressure cooker that can cook meat, steam rice, make yogurt, cure all disease, and improve your general well-being.

Marketing is a powerful tool in our world, and it’s particularly effective in the food and beverage industry. Appliances, produce, and products that have been around for decades or centuries are suddenly reintroduced to the public as essential items.

The convection oven, first available to the public in 1945, uses a fan to circulate hot air around your food to cook it faster. The oven’s use is not limited to culinary endeavors but is used in a variety of industries.

The aircraft industry uses car-sized ovens to manufacture parts for planes and helicopters. Convection heating isn’t a new technique. Until recently, amateur cooks had to shell out several hundred dollars for a new convection oven.

Now, you can buy one for under seventy dollars. The expensive convection ovens are still available, but their compact, economical cousins are all the rage.

These baby convection ovens are called air fryers. When I saw a commercial for an air fryer, I thought it was a gimmick that wouldn’t last.

The name seemed so ridiculous that I couldn’t believe that anyone would buy one. Fried air?

What does that mean? Is there a miniature nuclear reactor in the little fryer? Is it safe to leave it alone in your kitchen when it starts frying the air?

Like all products marketed to the general public, I was completely wrong about the air fryer. It’s a useful tool that can save you time. Since I was a kid, I’ve seen a lot of products that I thought were garbage become big hits.

The only one I was right about was New Coke. New Coke was sweeter, less carbonated, and more disgusting than any other soda on the market.

Coca-Cola managed to save themselves from a catastrophe by introducing Classic Coke. Eventually, all New Coke was replaced by Classic Coke, and the public forgot about the company’s blunder.

All of us, including myself, are influenced by marketing more than we like to admit. When I was 10, I owned a California Raisin T-shirt (it enticed bullies to beat me up).

The raisin was not a new product in the ’80s, but a marketing campaign from California made raisins seem cool and essential to all Americans. Marvin Gaye’s version of I Heard it Through the Grapevine played in commercials featuring dancing raisins.

Toy stores stocked their shelves with a variety of loveable raisin characters. I don’t think it was a bad idea to promote healthy food that is beneficial to your diet, but I think it’s strange that a clay raisin dancing to Motown influenced our eating habits.

The song, I Heard it Through the Grapevine, is about a sad guy who finds out that his woman is unfaithful to him. Why was this song used to sell delicious raisins?

Since the word grapevine is in the song, why wouldn’t you use it to promote dried grapes from California? A great song about infidelity is as good as any to use to promote healthy living.

Hoover could have increased their sales if they’d used Another One Bites the Dust to sell vacuum cleaners. Who would care if a song about a psychopath with a machine gun helped sell a record number of Hoovers?

Steve walks warily down the street

With the brim pulled way down low

Ain’t no sound but the sound of his feet

Machine guns ready to go

Are you ready- (for a Hoover?)

Are you ready for this- (house to be clean?)

Are you hanging on the edge of your seat

Out of the doorway, the bullets rip

To the sound of the beat—

Freddy Mercury’s corpse shudders at the thought!

Advertisers take risks that may seem crazy when you analyze their motives as much as I do. I’m surprised by and respect the strange ways they push their products.

Many advertising campaigns that I thought were strange or creepy became incredibly successful. If I worked for a marketing firm, I would make all the wrong decisions.

Pillsbury-1985: Poppin Fresh commercial: That obnoxious Dough Boy will not help you sell biscuits. You want people to poke him in the belly to make him giggle? Who wants to buy biscuits after seeing Poppin Fresh molested by a human finger?

Wrigley-1983: The Juicy Fruit Ski commercial: What do acrobatic, skiers have to do with Juicy Fruit chewing gum? Will a rock song with mild, sexual overtones entice people to pop that gum in their mouths?

NFL-1996: Are you ready for some Football? Commercial: Hank Williams Jr. will not help you increase ratings. I feel like he’s screaming at me to watch football. Let’s get James Brown instead. He’ll put some funk into football.

I don’t believe that most advertisers are immoral or unethical, but they are smarter than we realize.

Pomegranates, avocados, and pistachios are more popular than ever. Twenty-five years ago, no one craved the juice from a pomegranate.

Their popularity is driven by clever marketing campaigns. Avocados are so popular that emergency rooms have seen an increase in avocado-related injuries.

I used to think that avocado was simple to cut open with a knife, but some people stab themselves while attempting culinary surgery.

I think that instant pots and air fryers are fine products, but I don’t have the physical space in my kitchen to include every appliance that is trending. I’m a sucker for advertising like everyone in America.

However, I try to consider if a new appliance will improve my life. Most of the time, the answer is no. For the time being, my life and kitchen are happy without fried air and digital pressure cookers.

Gluten-Free Potato & Cheddar Fritters

January 2, 2020 /

These potato and cheddar fritters closely resemble those made with all-purpose flour. You can use mashed potatoes and leftover corn in place of the boiled potatoes and canned corn.

I experimented with different recipes for potato fritters, but this one produces a superior golden-brown crust. It doesn’t have a sandy texture like many other gluten-free fritters.

They taste best when you serve them immediately. I tried reheating them after they were refrigerated for 2 days, but they weren’t the same.

The fritters have a firmer texture when they’re reheated. Rice flour mixes tend to toughen the fritters when they’re refrigerated. If you want to save some for later, it’s best to freeze them before they’re cooked.

I topped mine with a tablespoon of sour cream on each fritter, but Cajun Remoulade and Stone Ground Mustard are also good toppers.

Ingredients

½ cup Brown Rice Flour

1 tbsp Xanthan Gum

¼ cup Tapioca Starch

1 tbsp Coconut Flour

1 ½ tsp Kosher Salt

1 tsp White Pepper

1 ½ tsp Fresh Thyme

1 tsp Mustard Powder

2 tsp Brown Sugar

2 cups White Cheddar

2 tbsp Half and Half

3 eggs

2 lbs. boiled white potatoes

3 tbsp Olive Oil

Instructions

Mix all dry ingredients except potatoes and cheddar in a metal bowl with a whisk.

In a separate bowl, mash the potatoes and mix in Half and Half, 1 Tbsp Olive Oil, and 3 beaten eggs.

Stir in dry ingredients and fold in cheddar last.

Form into balls, then flatten in disks that resemble hockey pucks.

Heat 2 tbsp Olive Oil in a non-stick pan and cook 4-5 minutes a side.

Top with Sour Cream

Five Cookbooks to Own for Life

December 22, 2019 /

The Joy of Cooking

By: Irma S. Rombauer, Marion Rombauer Becker, Ethan Becker, John Becker, and Megan Scott

If you only have room on your shelf for one cookbook, purchase The Joy of Cooking. The new 2019 edition includes 600 new recipes and 4000 updated favorites.

Most online reviews are positive for the latest edition, but some people complain that the small print is hard to read. I own the 1997 edition, and this synopsis will focus on it.

I’ve used the 1962 and 1975 versions which I also recommend. The Joy of Cooking is a cooking manual for anyone interested in cooking.

In addition to the recipes, the book includes metric conversions, menu suggestions, and detailed instructions on cooking methods.

Each recipe includes an introduction of the dish and simple instructions. Its first publication was in 1931, but subsequent editions have modified versions of the classic recipes.

The recipes are updated to reflect present-day trends such as gluten-free dishes, keto, and vegan diets.

At the beginning of each chapter, the authors include a lengthy section on cooking techniques and essential tools. If you’re curious about the correct way to cut a whole chicken, the JOC explains how with clear illustrations and easy instructions.

I learned how to make Chicken Gumbo, Shrimp Étouffée, Negi Maki, Banana Bread, Cacciatore, and many others.

Bread Illustrated by America’s Test Kitchen

The bread recipes in Bread Illustrated are excellent. The recipes have step-by-step instructions illustrated with color photos. A long introduction explains the methods and reasons for using specific tools and techniques.

It is one of the few books I’ve used that requires little modification of the ingredients or cooking times. However, it’s not a book for a lazy cook. The more complicated recipes require a lot of time and effort. Some of the best bread takes 18 to 22 hours to complete.

My favorite recipes include Pita Bread, Pane Francese, Monkey Bread, Cheddar and Black Pepper Bread, and Pretzels. If you love tasty bread and have plenty of time on your hands, Bread Illustrated is for you.

The Professional Chef by The Culinary Institute of America

*You will need a digital scale to use this cookbook*

The authors of this cookbook/textbook designed it for both aspiring cooks and professional chefs. The edition I own is the 7th edition from 2002.

It includes several chapters on cooking instruction and proper equipment use before you see a single recipe. It contains handy guidelines for food safety including the proper techniques for preventing cross-contamination and food-borne illnesses.

Its full-color illustrations are helpful when you attempt a complicated process for the first time. Although it is more technical than The Joy of Cooking, it won’t overwhelm an amateur cook.

But beware, it’s a huge book. The book has 1036 pages and weighs nearly seven pounds( I weighed it). The hefty brute can serve as a weapon against home invaders if you leave a copy near every window and door of your home. That will only cost you around $1200.

Larousse Gastronomique  by the Gastronomic Committee, President Joël Robuchon

The classic, French reference book/cookbook has been around since Prosper Montagné wrote the original text in 1938. The book isn’t divided into chapters containing appetizers, desserts, or entrées.

It takes the alphabetical approach. It will define a subject like chocolate in a small paragraph, and then it provides numerous recipes with C-grade instructions. The instructions are short, vague, and sometimes unclear.

The descriptive paragraphs, however, are well written and informative. The publishers likely used separate authors for the recipes and subject descriptions. It includes an exhaustive supply of cooking instructions and culinary history, but it is not well suited for beginners.

The Professional Chef is more accessible to beginners and pros.  LG has simple recipes for Mustard Sauce and complicated(and disgusting) recipes for calf’s brains. I’m sorry Gastronomic Committee, I’m not fond of brain matter.

If you enjoy cooking calf or lamb brains in court-bouillon, you’ll love this book. It includes 13 recipes of brainy delights. Bon appétit!

The How Can it Be Gluten-Free Cookbook by America’s Test Kitchen

This is the best gluten-free cookbook on the market today. The recipes produce delicious, gluten-free dishes and will actually impress gluten lovers.

I don’t have an allergy to gluten or wheat, but I really like this book. My favorite recipe is Brazilian Cheese Bread Rolls. The rolls are cheesy, fluffy, and somehow mostly composed of tapioca flour.

Their all-purpose flour blend recipe is superior to the premixed blends you can purchase at the grocery store, and the dessert recipes are incredibly satisfying to someone like me who sleeps with a Give me Gluten or Give me Death pillowcase. I also own a Flour Power bathrobe and an autographed ’45 of Wheat Christmas by Weird Al Yankovic. Ok, I’ll stop now. Wheat to Victory!

The Wrath of Pecan

December 21, 2019 /

Dear Santa, I want a Salad Shooter. When I was a kid in 1989, you broke my heart. I wrote to you and begged for the white beauty.

With the body of an electric cheese-grater and the soul of a wood chipper, the pearl princess was what I desired.

I won’t need a knife to cut vegetables or a grater for my cheese. I’ll shove small quantities of the food I love into one orifice. I dislike saving time by using a knife to cut cucumbers and carrots.

I’ll cram half of a cucumber and a carrot into my Salad Shooter. Then, I’ll watch as the veggies slowly cascade off of that sleek, cheap, beautiful, plastic spout.

Why did a kitchen appliance company name their gem the Salad Shooter? Is it a weapon used to dissuade Americans from eating tasty greens? Is it an assassin who took out a distinguished head of romaine lettuce?

No, it is a modified cheese grater that needed a catchy name and a memorable theme song. I recommend viewing the commercial from 1989.

It looks like a Saturday Night Live sketch for a ridiculous product that doesn’t exist, but it does. The electric topping chucker still exists today.

Shoot some slices—Salad Shooter.

Shoot some shreds—Salad Shooter.

Shoot some salad, shoot it best,

Shoot it pretty—Salad Shooter.   Lyrics by Bob Dylan.

Some kitchen appliances are useful and worth purchasing. Others will hide in the darkness of your kitchen cabinet next to your rice cooker. Every kitchen has mini storage.

It could be a cabinet or small closet that you only use to store comical appliances. An egg cooker, a Yoda waffle iron, an electric pasta maker, a juicer, and an electric carving knife can be crammed into a tight space.

It’s a zone in your kitchen that defies the laws of Physics. It’s your kitchen’s clown car that spews Cuisinarts when you reach for something useful.

I have one. Why don’t I sell all of the plastic rubbish in my dark zone? It’s probably for the same reason you haven’t sold any of your dusty goods.

Someone you love or care about gave you one of those useless appliances. If they happen to stop by and notice that their gift isn’t located somewhere in your kitchen, you’re in trouble.

During the holiday season, if your cabinet is at full capacity like mine, tell everyone that you’re running low on socks.

Socks are the answer. If Uncle Ricky, who planned to send you a pineapple massager, hears that you need socks, you’ll get ugly socks.

Socks are cheap, easy to find, and strangely appreciated by elder relatives.

Beware of kitchen appliances that perform one specific task. A chef’s knife, a cutting board, and a simple cheese grater can often perform the same tasks.

These tools are simple to clean and easier to store than a small appliance with five attachments.

It’s fine if you enjoy purchasing comical appliances. If you have a kitchen that has 1500 square feet, go nuts.

You can own a walnut chopper, filbert shredder,  peanut grinder, and a pecan pounder. Merry Christmas, everyone!

Should You Imitate Chefs on Television?

December 14, 2019 /

Business for celebrity chefs is booming. In the past, great chefs had to rely on the quality of their food to build a reputation.

Unfortunately, restaurant owners don’t immediately pay high wages to someone with a culinary degree.

After struggling to pay off loans from their prestigious culinary schools, many chefs were surprised when they couldn’t land the top position at a restaurant.

I worked with a talented chef who admitted that his first job after graduating involved peeling shrimp for ten hours a day at a seafood restaurant.

He spent over $30,000 on culinary school, but he was only making eight dollars an hour.

He worked at several restaurants before he found a position with a high salary. This experience is not uncommon among aspiring chefs.

If you don’t have the connections to help you land the perfect job, you’ll have to work your way up. However, some people decide to choose a different option to further their culinary career.

Professional and amateur cooks can become celebrity chefs. In the last twenty years, the demand for cooking networks and online videos has exploded. Nearly everyone in the country loves to watch people cook.

I am one of those people, but I have issues with some of the chefs I’ve seen online and on television.

Food Safety

Every state follows the federal code for food safety, but like all federal laws, each state develops its own laws to interpret the code. Chefs on cooking shows and online videos are not always bound by this code.

If they aren’t preparing food for people to consume, they won’t be inspected by the health department. Cooking networks and online videos are entertainment.

They are valuable tools, but they are not the words of God. How often do you see chefs wash their hands on television? Who wants to see that?

A half-hour cooking show can take several hours to film. It takes even longer to edit. Filming an incredible, hand-washing scene is not a top priority.

Sometimes, the chefs wash their hands but not very often.

Celebrity chefs don’t wear gloves when they’re preparing or plating food. Gloves, as well as hair restraints, are not photogenic or pleasing to viewers.

You can cook food with a complete disregard for personal hygiene. You might not make anyone sick, but why take the risk?

Wiping your hands on your apron after handling raw chicken instead of washing your hands is a bad idea, but I’ve seen it occur on television and YouTube.

If you’re cooking for people you care about, wash your hands after handling raw meat or using the bathroom. If you make a huge batch of stew for your extended family to eat the next day, cool it down in an ice bath before placing it in the frig.

I’ll include a more detailed list of food safety rules later, but remember to keep your kitchen clean and frequently wash your hands. Some people worry about the damaging effects of washing their hands too much.

That is an irrational fear disputed by health care professionals and restaurant workers. Unless you have a psychiatric condition that involves scrubbing your hands 300 times a day, you’re unlikely to experience anything other than dry skin.

Hand Waving

I respect most of the famous chefs on television and admire some of the amateur cooks online. I like learning new recipes and techniques, but I don’t like annoying catch-phrases or irritating hand movements.

The nose wave is one of those movements. When you feel the need to wave your hand to your nose, hoping that it will propel the scent of your food at rapid speed to your brain, resist the urge.

If your nose is in perfect working order, the scent of good food(or bad/burnt food) will reach you and your guests. When I see people performing the nose wave on television, I wonder how many nose hairs have accidentally fallen into their masterpieces.

Thank you, chef! Your presentation of this blackened Red Snapper is incredible. I love the risotto, the vegetable curry, and the nose hair garnish.

Your guests will thank you when you don’t include a piece of yourself in their food.

I know that I sound paranoid, but when you’re cooking for guests, hair-free food is the way to go. The importance of food safety is briefly mentioned in the film I’m reviewing tonight:

Invasion of the Body Snatchers ꙳꙳꙳꙳

Philip Kaufman’s 1978 film, Invasion of the Body Snatchers, is the best adaptation of the Jack Finney novel. The original 1956 classic, starring Kevin McCarthy as the hero, is a terrific film.

It’s not as creepy as Kaufman’s version, but it’s superior to the awful 1993 and 2007 versions.

Kevin McCarthy makes a brief appearance in the 1978 film as the same character. He runs up to Matthew(Donald Sutherland) and Elizabeth(Brooke Adams) and screams, “They’re coming! They’re coming!”.

McCarthy displays the same hysterical and paranoid demeanor as he did in the first film.

It makes sense that McCarthy is upset. It has taken him 22 years to travel from Santa Mira(the setting of the first film) to San Francisco. People on the street ignore his rants about an alien invasion just as they did near the end of the original.

Alien Invasion

The alien invasion of Body Snatchers doesn’t resemble the invasions portrayed in previous Science Fiction films.

There aren’t any flying saucers or rockets. Green men and poorly-constructed robots don’t dominate the human race. Tiny tubes invade the Earth.

The translucent, obscene-looking tubes come from a distant planet. A bubbling pond of alien funk ejects the tubes into the sky.

The tubes, carried by solar winds, travel to Earth. They rain down on San Francisco and begin the invasion.

San Francisco’s rain allows the alien spores to develop into tiny alien avocados or pods. The pods quickly sprout flowers that resemble the immature fruit of a pomegranate tree.

A group of schoolchildren, led by their teacher, walk around the park and pick the alien flowers. A creepy priest on a swingset, played by Robert Duvall(unbilled), stares at the teacher and the kids.

The camera takes his point of view and swings back and forth as the kids innocently assist in ending the human race.

The central plot revolves around Elizabeth and her fear that her boyfriend Jeffrey has turned into someone else. She works with Matthew for the Department of Health.

Matthew is a health inspector who inspects a shady restaurant at the beginning of the film. He argues with the owner, after pulling a small dark morsel from a bubbling pot, that the capers are not capers. They are rat turds.

The scene is funny, but I’m sure the caper exporters of Italy were not thrilled when Americans refused to eat a product that they associated with rodent excrement.

Mud Bath

When Elizabeth follows her boyfriend around town, she notices that he delivers large packages to strangers. She also sees the change in the city. People in the street seem to know each other, but they’re quiet. They all stare her down when she’s traveling through the city.

Her concerns lead her and Matthew to Dr. David Kibner(Leonard Nimoy). Kibner is a respected psychiatrist and author who tries to convince Elizabeth that her fears are irrational.

Although he’s seen an increase in patients who suspect their loved ones are being replaced, he assures her that her problems are the result of a broken society.

Nimoy portrays Kibner as an intelligent and intense character who doesn’t believe anything the protagonists are saying. The suspense of the film increases with the appearance of the Bellicec Mud Baths.

Jack(Jeff Goldblum) and Nancy(Veronica Cartwright) own the Bellicec Mud Baths. After helping some large men out of their mud baths, Nancy screams when she finds an unformed human body laying on a table.

Her husband, awakened by her screams, runs to help her. They call Matthew to witness their horrible discovery. He points out that the body is the same size and weight as Jack’s. The group concludes that the alien duplicates them when the humans fall asleep.

Matthew and Elizabeth try to leave the city, but they’re frequently chased by the hordes of aliens who have taken over the city. The last half of the movie is like a chaotic, extended chase sequence.

San Francisco’s bleak and chilly weather help establish the hopeless mood of the picture. The decision to move the setting from the fictional Santa Mira to San Francisco was an intelligent one.

This film is dark and scary, and the city plays a large role in maintaining the creepiness. The acting is exceptional, but the atmosphere can get to you.

The mood and music become so dark that Body Snatchers can seem like a real downer. I would give it five stars if I didn’t feel slightly depressed by the end.

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