Dear Santa, I want a Salad Shooter. When I was a kid in 1989, you broke my heart. I wrote to you and begged for the white beauty.
With the body of an electric cheese-grater and the soul of a wood chipper, the pearl princess was what I desired.
I won’t need a knife to cut vegetables or a grater for my cheese. I’ll shove small quantities of the food I love into one orifice. I dislike saving time by using a knife to cut cucumbers and carrots.
I’ll cram half of a cucumber and a carrot into my Salad Shooter. Then, I’ll watch as the veggies slowly cascade off of that sleek, cheap, beautiful, plastic spout.
Why did a kitchen appliance company name their gem the SaladShooter? Is it a weapon used to dissuade Americans from eating tasty greens? Is it an assassin who took out a distinguished head of romaine lettuce?
No, it is a modified cheese grater that needed a catchy name
and a memorable theme song. I recommend viewing the commercial from 1989.
It looks like a Saturday Night Live sketch for a ridiculous
product that doesn’t exist, but it does. The electric topping chucker still
exists today.
Shoot some slices—Salad Shooter.
Shoot some shreds—Salad Shooter.
Shoot some salad, shoot it best,
Shootit pretty—Salad Shooter. Lyrics by Bob Dylan.
Some kitchen appliances are useful and worth purchasing. Others will hide in the darkness of your kitchen cabinet next to your rice cooker. Every kitchen has mini storage.
It could be a cabinet or small closet that you only use to
store comical appliances. An egg cooker, a Yoda waffle iron, an electric pasta
maker, a juicer, and an electric carving knife can be crammed into a tight
space.
It’s a zone in your kitchen that defies the laws of Physics.
It’s your kitchen’s clown car that spews Cuisinarts
when you reach for something useful.
I have one. Why don’t I sell all of the plastic rubbish in
my dark zone? It’s probably for the same reason you haven’t sold any of your
dusty goods.
Someone you love or care about gave you one of those useless
appliances. If they happen to stop by and notice that their gift isn’t located
somewhere in your kitchen, you’re in trouble.
During the holiday season, if your cabinet is at full capacity like mine, tell everyone that you’re running low on socks.
Socks are the answer. If Uncle Ricky, who planned to send you a pineapple massager, hears that you need socks, you’ll get ugly socks.
Socks are cheap, easy to find, and strangely appreciated by
elder relatives.
Beware of kitchen appliances that perform one specific task. A chef’s knife, a cutting board, and a simple cheese grater can often perform the same tasks.
These tools are simple to clean and easier to store than a small appliance with five attachments.
It’s fine if you enjoy purchasing comical appliances. If you have a kitchen that has 1500 square feet, go nuts.
You can own a walnut chopper, filbert shredder, peanut grinder, and a pecan pounder. Merry Christmas, everyone!
Business for celebrity chefs is booming. In the past, great chefs had to rely on the quality of their food to build a reputation.
Unfortunately, restaurant owners don’t immediately pay high wages to someone with a culinary degree.
After struggling to pay off loans from their prestigious culinary schools, many chefs were surprised when they couldn’t land the top position at a restaurant.
I worked with a talented chef who admitted that his first job after graduating involved peeling shrimp for ten hours a day at a seafood restaurant.
He spent over $30,000 on culinary school, but he was only making eight dollars an hour.
He worked at several restaurants before he found a position with a high salary. This experience is not uncommon among aspiring chefs.
If you don’t have the connections to help you land the perfect job, you’ll have to work your way up. However, some people decide to choose a different option to further their culinary career.
Professional and amateur cooks can become celebrity chefs. In the last twenty years, the demand for cooking networks and online videos has exploded. Nearly everyone in the country loves to watch people cook.
I am one of those people, but I have issues with some of the chefs I’ve seen online and on television.
Food Safety
Every state follows the federal code for food safety, but like all federal laws, each state develops its own laws to interpret the code. Chefs on cooking shows and online videos are not always bound by this code.
If they aren’t preparing food for people to consume, they won’t be inspected by the health department. Cooking networks and online videos are entertainment.
They are valuable tools, but they are not the words of God. How often do you see chefs wash their hands on television? Who wants to see that?
A half-hour cooking show can take several hours to film. It takes even longer to edit. Filming an incredible, hand-washing scene is not a top priority.
Sometimes, the chefs wash their hands but not very often.
Celebrity chefs don’t wear gloves when they’re preparing or plating food. Gloves, as well as hair restraints, are not photogenic or pleasing to viewers.
You can cook food with a complete disregard for personal hygiene. You might not make anyone sick, but why take the risk?
Wiping your hands on your apron after handling raw chicken instead of washing your hands is a bad idea, but I’ve seen it occur on television and YouTube.
If you’re cooking for people you care about, wash your hands after handling raw meat or using the bathroom. If you make a huge batch of stew for your extended family to eat the next day, cool it down in an ice bath before placing it in the frig.
I’ll include a more detailed list of food safety rules later, but remember to keep your kitchen clean and frequently wash your hands. Some people worry about the damaging effects of washing their hands too much.
That is an irrational fear disputed by health care professionals and restaurant workers. Unless you have a psychiatric condition that involves scrubbing your hands 300 times a day, you’re unlikely to experience anything other than dry skin.
Hand Waving
I respect most of the famous chefs on television and admire some of the amateur cooks online. I like learning new recipes and techniques, but I don’t like annoying catch-phrases or irritating hand movements.
The nose wave is one of those movements. When you feel the need to wave your hand to your nose, hoping that it will propel the scent of your food at rapid speed to your brain, resist the urge.
If your nose is in perfect working order, the scent of good food(or bad/burnt food) will reach you and your guests. When I see people performing the nose wave on television, I wonder how many nose hairs have accidentally fallen into their masterpieces.
Thank you, chef! Your presentation of this blackened Red Snapper is incredible. I love the risotto, the vegetable curry, and the nose hair garnish.
Your guests will thank you when you don’t include a piece of yourself in their food.
I know that I sound paranoid, but when you’re cooking for guests, hair-free food is the way to go. The importance of food safety is briefly mentioned in the film I’m reviewing tonight:
Invasion of the Body Snatchers ꙳꙳꙳꙳
Philip Kaufman’s 1978 film, Invasion of the Body Snatchers, is the best adaptation of the Jack Finney novel. The original 1956 classic, starring Kevin McCarthy as the hero, is a terrific film.
It’s not as creepy as Kaufman’s version, but it’s superior to the awful 1993 and 2007 versions.
Kevin McCarthy makes a brief appearance in the 1978 film as the same character. He runs up to Matthew(Donald Sutherland) and Elizabeth(Brooke Adams) and screams, “They’re coming! They’re coming!”.
McCarthy
displays the same hysterical and paranoid demeanor as he did in the first film.
It makes sense that McCarthy is upset. It has taken him 22 years to travel from Santa Mira(the setting of the first film) to San Francisco. People on the street ignore his rants about an alien invasion just as they did near the end of the original.
Alien Invasion
The alien invasion of Body Snatchers doesn’t resemble the invasions portrayed in previous Science Fiction films.
There aren’t any flying saucers or rockets. Green men and poorly-constructed robots don’t dominate the human race. Tiny tubes invade the Earth.
The translucent, obscene-looking tubes come from a distant planet. A bubbling pond of alien funk ejects the tubes into the sky.
The tubes, carried by solar winds, travel to Earth. They rain down on San Francisco and begin the invasion.
San Francisco’s rain allows the alien spores to develop into tiny alien avocados or pods. The pods quickly sprout flowers that resemble the immature fruit of a pomegranate tree.
A group of schoolchildren, led by their teacher, walk around the park and pick the alien flowers. A creepy priest on a swingset, played by Robert Duvall(unbilled), stares at the teacher and the kids.
The camera takes his point of view and swings back and forth as the kids innocently assist in ending the human race.
The central plot revolves around Elizabeth and her fear that her boyfriend Jeffrey has turned into someone else. She works with Matthew for the Department of Health.
Matthew is a health inspector who inspects a shady restaurant at the beginning of the film. He argues with the owner, after pulling a small dark morsel from a bubbling pot, that the capers are not capers. They are rat turds.
The scene is funny, but I’m sure the caper exporters of Italy were not thrilled when Americans refused to eat a product that they associated with rodent excrement.
Mud Bath
When Elizabeth follows her boyfriend around town, she notices that he delivers large packages to strangers. She also sees the change in the city. People in the street seem to know each other, but they’re quiet. They all stare her down when she’s traveling through the city.
Her concerns lead her and Matthew to Dr. David Kibner(Leonard Nimoy). Kibner is a respected psychiatrist and author who tries to convince Elizabeth that her fears are irrational.
Although he’s seen an increase in patients who suspect their loved ones are being replaced, he assures her that her problems are the result of a broken society.
Nimoy portrays Kibner as an intelligent and intense character who doesn’t believe anything the protagonists are saying. The suspense of the film increases with the appearance of the Bellicec Mud Baths.
Jack(Jeff Goldblum) and Nancy(Veronica Cartwright) own the Bellicec Mud Baths. After helping some large men out of their mud baths, Nancy screams when she finds an unformed human body laying on a table.
Her husband, awakened by her screams, runs to help her. They call Matthew to witness their horrible discovery. He points out that the body is the same size and weight as Jack’s. The group concludes that the alien duplicates them when the humans fall asleep.
Matthew and Elizabeth try to leave the city, but they’re frequently chased by the hordes of aliens who have taken over the city. The last half of the movie is like a chaotic, extended chase sequence.
San Francisco’s bleak and chilly weather help establish the hopeless mood of the picture. The decision to move the setting from the fictional Santa Mira to San Francisco was an intelligent one.
This film is dark and scary, and the city plays a large role in maintaining the creepiness. The acting is exceptional, but the atmosphere can get to you.
The mood and music become so dark that Body Snatchers can seem like a real downer. I would give it five stars if I didn’t feel slightly depressed by the end.
Chicken and Roasted Pepper Stew and Rosemary Focaccia, Perfect for Cold Winter Nights
I’ve included three delicious recipes tonight: Rosemary Focaccia Bread, Chickenand Roasted Pepper Stew, and Low Country Cookies. Rosemary Focaccia Bread is a variation of the famous Italian bread. There are several recipes for Focaccia online, but this one is simple and tasty. When you use Fresh Rosemary, it makes a huge difference.
It doesn’t take very long
to make. You can finish it in a little over two hours. For yeast bread, that’s
pretty fast. The recipe instructions
seem long, but I’ve learned that it’s important to be more descriptive with
bread recipes.
It’s frustrating when you
carefully follow instructions from a bread recipe, and it turns out looking
like baked dung. I don’t know what that looks
like, but there are reasons why recipes don’t always turn out the way they
should.
Ye Ol’ Crockpot from the 1970s, Built to Last
Measuring Techniques
One reason is that we
generally rely on volume measurement rather than weight measurement for
recipes. There are countless variations
and sizes of measuring cups. Yes, a cup should equal 8oz(6oz for coffee pots),
but measuring cups can come in 1 cup, 4 cups, 8 cups. . .etc.
When you dump 2 cups of
flour in an 8-cup measuring cup, you use your eyes to judge whether the flour
is perfectly level with the 2 cup line. Someone else, using the same recipe,
may decide to use a ½ cup to scoop out the flour.
They may not sift the flour
like the 8-cup cook, and they may not level off the flour the same way. Some
people shake the cup slightly, and some use their hand to scrape the flour
level.
This difference in
measuring tools and techniques plays a role, often only a minor one, in how
results can differ in recipes. Another reason is that some people tend to
shorten or skip an important process described in the recipe.
The Importance of the Process
For instance, some of the more complicated bread recipes require you to knead and fold the dough every 30 minutes. If you wait an hour each time to knead and fold the bread, the results will differ from the author’s.
With bread recipes,following the process closely is often more important than precisely following the ingredient measurement.
This also applies to recipes in general. The process is more important to follow in more complicated and time-consuming recipes. If you don’t marinate the pork loin for the same 12 hours that Frankie Barbecue marinated his, it may not turn out the same.
The fault of recipe confusion cannot always fall on the consumer. The author of the recipe can often forget to include an important part of the process. Even a famous chef and author can forget to write something down.
Maybe, after draining ten bottles of wine, a celebrated chef may forget to mention pounding the filets before breading them.
The differences in
measuring techniques and recipe processes may make cooking seem more daunting.
Challenges and possible disappointment may not appeal to everyone. The thought
of an important dinner party being ruined by an imperfect recipe scares the
hell of many amateur cooks.
One important tip, when
attempting a new recipe, is to taste it and modify it before serving it to
other people. If you want to change an ingredient to suit your needs, do it. I
usually change something from the recipes I’ve read, and I make a note of the
changes.
When a recipe attempt
leads to disaster, don’t worry. If it didn’t work, try something else. You can
spend time backtracking to find out what went wrong, but that’s crazy.
No one needs to waste time
investigating what happened, just move on. You can rip that recipe out of the
cookbook and set fire to it. Then you can turn on your exhaust fan, grab the
fire extinguisher, and move on to the next recipe.
I spend a lot of time in
the kitchen. Creating recipes and cooking is a profession and a hobby. When I’m finished in the kitchen, I like to
dissolve into the couch to watch a good movie.
My film reviews will not
include the SPOILER ALERT heading
above a potential spoiler. I hate that. I try not to include spoilers in my
reviews, but if I do I will use the simple heading, Further Reading May Ruin the Movie for You, Don’t Read No Mo!
Today’s Film Review: Suspiria ꙳꙳꙳꙳꙳
The Original 1977 Classic, I also recommend the remake
Dario Argento’s Suspiria premiered in 1977 and changed the nature of horror films forever. Suspiria is visually stunning, extremely violent, suspenseful, and hard to get out of your head once you’ve seen it.
It is a great film and one
of the creepiest ever made. The first fourteen minutes are an endurance test
for the viewer. If you can tolerate the tension and horror established in the
opening, you may be able to make it to the end.
The story involves a young American woman, played by Jessica Harper, who travels to Germany to join a famous dance academy. If you dislike films that focus on ballet dancing, that’s OK. Dance plays only a small role in this film.
Two of the dancers notice
strange things occurring at the academy and wonder if witchcraft is involved.
The actors deliver strong performances, but they are outshined by Argento’s
nightmare world.
The atmosphere of Suspiria relies on the director’s
experiments with color and sound. Unlike
most horror films, bright, primary colors stand out in nearly every frame.
Color, most notably a red
glow, is used to make the ordinary seem a little strange. From the opening
scene of the picture, the airport passengers and the airport itself, at first
glance, appear normal.
The Airport
A sinister, red light
greets the passengers as they depart the plane.
Most of the passengers
wear grey or black, but some, walking behind Suzy( Jessica Harper) look like
Crayola models- if there is such a thing.
A woman in a bright red
suit, a father with a bright green tie that matches his young son’s bright
green purse, and a woman with a blinding, red blouse and yellow pants contrast
Suzy’s look of innocence.
Suzy, in white, looks out
of place compared to the rest of the colorful fools around her. As she walks
toward the airport’s exit, she becomes uneasy and seems frightened by an
unknown presence surrounding her.
I mention the airport
because it’s important to notice how quickly the tension and suspense are
established during the first five minutes of the film. The slightly-off set
design and insane music soundtrack act as separate characters themselves.
The soundtrack, by Goblin,
is a pounding, rhythmic, and sometimes repetitive force that drives the
narrative along. It increases in intensity and volume when something nefarious
is about to happen.
It is not easy to listen
to, but it complements the film’s frantic nature. If you want to scare the neighborhood kids at
Halloween, play the Goblin soundtrack and you’ll have plenty of leftover candy.
The Taxi Ride and Red Building
Suzy takes a colorful cab
ride to the academy when she leaves the airport. Her cab coasts through the
city and enters the forest while the lightning casts strange shadows on the
barren trees.
One shadow resembles a
hand holding a curved blade. Although this was intentionally created by the
filmmakers, you can miss it if you’re not focused on the film.
As Suzy approaches the
academy, a bright red building comes into view. It is one of the most haunting
and beautiful shots of the movie.
Argento has a talent for creating a scene that can be both disturbing
and attractive.
The building has ornate,
gold trim around the entrance. Its red paint seems to glow under the pounding
rain and lightning flashes. It is
pretty, but not inviting.
An unknown voice behind
the academy’s front door instructs Suzy to leave. She reluctantly returns to
her cab and drives away. The events that follow lead to the film’s first, gory
murder.
The Violence
The murder sequences in Suspiria are brutal. Argento forces the
viewer to witness every action that the killer performs. Every stab of the
knife, slice from a razor, and bite to the neck are on display.
I haven’t mentioned,
besides Suzy, any of the character’s names in this review. I don’t want you to
know who was murdered before you watch the film. However, I can mention some of
the violent sequences. You should know what you’re getting into.
Some of the ghastly
highlights include:
– A close-up of an exposed
beating heart with a knife plunging into it
– A victim falling through
stained glass while being hanged
– Maggots raining from the ceiling
– A witch snoring
– A victim falls into a
room filled with barbed wire
– An animal attacks at a
city square formerly occupied by Nazis
The violence is not for
the faint of heart. However, it never feels like a B-movie slasher. The
violence is stylish and exaggerated, but it’s never gratuitous.
The dubbed English in the
dialogue may irritate some viewers, but it’s overshadowed by the psychedelic
imagery and deafening soundtrack.
If possible, turn off the
lights before you watch this film. Enjoy it, if you can!
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