Dear Santa, I want a Salad Shooter. When I was a kid in 1989, you broke my heart. I wrote to you and begged for the white beauty.
With the body of an electric cheese-grater and the soul of a wood chipper, the pearl princess was what I desired.
I won’t need a knife to cut vegetables or a grater for my cheese. I’ll shove small quantities of the food I love into one orifice. I dislike saving time by using a knife to cut cucumbers and carrots.
I’ll cram half of a cucumber and a carrot into my Salad Shooter. Then, I’ll watch as the veggies slowly cascade off of that sleek, cheap, beautiful, plastic spout.
Why did a kitchen appliance company name their gem the Salad Shooter? Is it a weapon used to dissuade Americans from eating tasty greens? Is it an assassin who took out a distinguished head of romaine lettuce?
No, it is a modified cheese grater that needed a catchy name and a memorable theme song. I recommend viewing the commercial from 1989.
It looks like a Saturday Night Live sketch for a ridiculous product that doesn’t exist, but it does. The electric topping chucker still exists today.
Shoot some slices—Salad Shooter.
Shoot some shreds—Salad Shooter.
Shoot some salad, shoot it best,
Shoot it pretty—Salad Shooter. Lyrics by Bob Dylan.
Some kitchen appliances are useful and worth purchasing. Others will hide in the darkness of your kitchen cabinet next to your rice cooker. Every kitchen has mini storage.
It could be a cabinet or small closet that you only use to store comical appliances. An egg cooker, a Yoda waffle iron, an electric pasta maker, a juicer, and an electric carving knife can be crammed into a tight space.
It’s a zone in your kitchen that defies the laws of Physics. It’s your kitchen’s clown car that spews Cuisinarts when you reach for something useful.
I have one. Why don’t I sell all of the plastic rubbish in my dark zone? It’s probably for the same reason you haven’t sold any of your dusty goods.
Someone you love or care about gave you one of those useless appliances. If they happen to stop by and notice that their gift isn’t located somewhere in your kitchen, you’re in trouble.
During the holiday season, if your cabinet is at full capacity like mine, tell everyone that you’re running low on socks.
Socks are the answer. If Uncle Ricky, who planned to send you a pineapple massager, hears that you need socks, you’ll get ugly socks.
Socks are cheap, easy to find, and strangely appreciated by elder relatives.
Beware of kitchen appliances that perform one specific task. A chef’s knife, a cutting board, and a simple cheese grater can often perform the same tasks.
These tools are simple to clean and easier to store than a small appliance with five attachments.
It’s fine if you enjoy purchasing comical appliances. If you have a kitchen that has 1500 square feet, go nuts.
You can own a walnut chopper, filbert shredder, peanut grinder, and a pecan pounder. Merry Christmas, everyone!
I had several electric Choppers—until I figured out it was just as simple to cut an onion with a knife. A knife is much easier to clean, too!
Funny and so true!